High Commission of India (HCI) have complained to the BBC about the
Top Gear India Special which was broadcast over Christmas (or
Winterval if Christmas offends you).
don’t usually watch Top Gear as cars don’t interest me and I am
lucky enough to be blessed with a cracking penis. However, the furore
forced me to have a look, like Lady Chatterley's Lover did to the
closet horndogs in 1960.
show began in Downing Street with David Cameron telling them to “stay
away from India” and “you do the cars and we do the diplomacy”,
after they offered to go on a trade mission jolly. Apparently Belgium
does more trade with India than England which is pretty surprising.
Maybe they just pay more to the sweatshops. We must get quite a good
HCI complains that sensitivities have been offended due to a toilet
seat built into the boot of a Jaguar as “everyone gets the trots
when they come to India”. Is carrying a stockpile of Imodium
offensive too? I'd prefer privacy if I was shooting off an explosive
one in the mountains rather than being mounted on a plopping plinth.
Diarrhoea is a really rather humiliating occurrence - especially
senior diplomat at the HCI says “India is a developing nation with
lots of issues to address”, sense of humour hopefully high up on
don't understand why India feels the need to deny that when tourists
visit they may have to dash in a real rush, hurry or else accident.
Why are Indians worried about a toilet in a car when so many of them
use the street?
Indians, the left hand is unclean as it's the hand used to wipe the
arse so you should not use that one to handle food. Why they don't
use toilet paper is a mystery. Keep an eye out for Indian McDonald's
employees to see if they extend the same courtesy over here.
once worked with a lovely bubbly chubby Indian guy in an English call
centre. I won't mention his name to spare his blushes. Anyway, Bush
was hopeless with women, a virgin at 30. I was delighted when he told
me they had arranged for him to get married, even if it was to a
cousin in India.
was a pretty girl over in India and would normally have been well out
of his league. They were going to get to know each other over the
telephone. This was in the pre-Skype days. Every day he would come
into work and regale me with stories about their lengthy chats the
previous evening. Some went on a bit (like this story), but it was
genuinely warming hearing him be so passionate and happy.
had arranged to meet and marry in India in a couple of months. I knew
when he returned there would be so many stories to hear. There was a
mammoth amount of morbid curiosity in the office to hear how he
prospered on honeymoon night. It was a few days before his best story
had to formally ask her family for her hand in marriage so the first
time they met was in front of them all. He had a long and tiring
journey there so he met everyone at her family house on his second
day in India. They had exchanged gifts and greetings and had just sat
down to dinner when Bush suddenly felt a gurgly rumbling heading down
his Passage to India. He excused himself from the dinner table and
went up to the 'toilet', a hole in the ground in the bathroom. I have
researched why these exist and apparently one of the advantages is
“Squatting might help to build the required exhaust pressure more
comfortably and quickly”. I shit you not.
needless to say Bush had no such problems with pressure. In fact it
was a high pressure situation, so much so that the pressure forced
things out in more of a horizontal jet-pack fashion than the desired
vertical drop. When he steadied himself and turned around to see the
damage he realised that not only had he missed the hole, he had
avoided much of the floor like a jewel thief in the movies. What he
had created was a dirty protest of Bugsy Malonesque proportions all
over the wall.
had made the mother of all messes, like he often did in work. At
least he was consistent, although this time it had the consistency of
slurry. He did his best to clean it all up, but he was smearly
rubbing it in.
returned to the dinner table and sat next to his fiancée, who took
one sniff and raised eyebrows, like a mother catching a nappy breeze
- his tragic trajectory had splattered all over his shirt tail. She
casually excused them from the table and her first duty was to scrape
the shit from his shirt. Her second was redecorating the new bathroom
as best she could. It never rains but it pours - all over the wall.
They were both in deep shit (sounds like an Indian name).
he told me this story, smiling like a simpleton, I was wondering what
that poor girl must have thought when she saw the gift he had
splurged. She must have been dreading the wedding night cock.
Although I guess he could even the score by making her bleed all over
the new bedsheets.
to Top Gear - the BBC initially received just 23 complaints out of an
audience of 5m after the show. i.e. nearly 0.0005% felt incensed
enough to call up. I imagine that number will have increased
exponentially when the hysterical paper-readers express their mock
outrage despite never having watched the programme.
Indians were supposedly also offended by a banner prank Top Gear
cleverly engineered on the sides of a train. When the carriages
separated, the banner ripped and converted 'Eat English Muffins' into
'Eat English Muff' on one side and 'The UK promotes English IT for
your company' into 'The UK promotes sh IT for your company'. A
clever, albeit puerile prank. However, for some reason it is being
treated almost like an act of war on Indian soil.
they are unfamiliar with the supercilious humour but it was not
really an attack on the Indian people or culture. Indeed many Indians
have risen up and appealed to the rest not to be so stuffy. These
Indians should learn to laugh at themselves like the rest of us do.
Lee once said “Clarkson has outrageous politically incorrect
opinions for money” (watch his rant at Top Gear here).
Jeremy Clarkson is the Derek to Richard 'The Rodent' Hammond's Clive.
They like causing a fuss then revelling in the commotion that
Clarkson was sacked what would people have to complain about?
Everything else is so politically correct, nobody takes risks any
more. As an example, I recently watched the filming of the Matt Lucas
Awards, a show in which they hand out awards for left field
categories. They were comedically discussing China as a nomination
for 'Smuggest Country'. They had been jokingly piling into them for
nonsensical reasons when filming was halted with instructions from
the production team for Matt Lucas to introduce some positive aspects
of China to appease the BBC impartiality execs. It was completely
unnecessary as it was clearly comedy of which nobody would have taken
the other nominations were Sweden and England. The roguish Jason
Manford, when asked for his nomination, said 'Pakistan' and then
paused while we all laughed before saying “I can hear the BBC
lawyers having heart attacks from here!”, knowing that the BBC
would never allow a joke about Pakistan, as jokes are not allowed
about that country just in case.
is nothing wrong with criticising stereotypes, we have all laughed at
it for generations. Eurovision was always an opportune time for each
country to take swipes at each other in a good-natured spirit, but of
course Europe is a different beast to Asia. In recent years there
seems so much worry that we will offend someone that it has become a
taboo subject. Banter about different nationalities is no different
from teasing someone about having a big nose, being fat or having a
slag for a mum.
are trying to force the BBC into backtracking over the antics,
hopefully without the threat of sanctions. The situation may well be
similar to what is happening in the cricket with the Board of Control
for Cricket in India holding far more sway in the game than they
should, due to the huge amount of revenue advertising brings in.
BBC will investigate and will conclude that Indians have no sense of
humour, Top Gear is a cash cow, and the team are free to continue
making publicity-grabbing headlines with schoolboy antics. Although I
am sure the official diplomatic release will read slightly
differently. There will be a grovelling apology from the BBC and a
thinly-veiled (shouldn't have used chiffon) apology from the
presenters. It is all political correctness gone mental health
issues. It is arguable that being on before the watershed it could
have done without the use of 'shit' and 'muff', but kids nowadays are
familiar with these words and hairstyles anyway, and choose not to
copy their mother's pubic perm.
has been said many times that what I write is a load of shit and
today is no exception. Today you will also have to settle for a bog