of us use Facebook and whilst many of us use it to keep up with
others, there are those who use it to irritate the rest of us.
Perhaps you can identify yourself and your friends on the list of
annoyances that follow.
I was younger I had an imaginary friend, but nowadays most people
have several hundred on social networks. If you have hundreds of
Facebook friends, you either aren’t very fussy about the friends
you keep or a Facebook slag. Facebook friends are like sock drawers;
most people can't be bothered to sort them out and there's a lot of
odd ones in there.
all have a few show-off friends who unnecessarily check themselves in
everywhere they go. Important to show you have a social life, right?
The only useful purpose in letting people know where you are is to
alert nearby friends who may want to join you. I understand the
checker-inners when out and about better than the people who check in
at home; posting up their home location then at other times moaning
about Facebook privacy settings.
similar are the “Look what I'm doing everyone!” brigade. With
them you get lots of crass status updates like “Look at what I've
bought!”, “Look how well I'm doing!”, “Look what I am
eating!”, “Look where I am!” etc.
probably aren’t too aware of them but everyone has a Facebook
stalker. We hear little from them, but they are stealthily processing
what is going on like an autistic secret agent. It’s a social
network, so do what it says on the tin - be social and network, not
watch reclusively from a distance. They’re akin to the little kid
in nursery who watches shyly from the sidelines while everyone else
joins in the playground games.
the 'friend collector' will add every single person they ever meet
plus some online buddies who they never have and never will. If you
are Alan Partridge you can use these numbers to win popularity
are growing numbers of attention/sympathy seekers, who crave a 'like'
for their status. They are often blatant to the point of “Click
'like' if you think I'm hot”. Shame there is no 'slap' button. The
desperate 'like' givers are equally slappable. They think it makes
them more endearing when they like their friend's statuses even if
the friend is doing something mundane like mowing the lawn.
you are the perennial joke-teller who just likes to amuse whilst
revealing nothing of your life? Guilty, your honour. A darker-natured
joke won't get an official 'like', just a secret giggle, as people
don’t want to be associated with anything too edgy.
a juvenile trait, and thankfully not too many of my friends do it,
but public proclamations of love are particularly pukey and bugbeary.
Quite often these soppy outpourings are to fellow house-mates. Have
people stopped talking in person? We do not wanna read your slush!
is usually parental types who publish alarmist warnings, such as
Facebook charging, closing down, changing their privacy settings or
other scaremongery. Thankfully these are a dying breed as many seem
to be slowly learning. www.snopes.com
will put you right on these hoaxes if you don't have the gumption to
figure it out yourself. When ever I tell people not to be so
wide-eyed they inevitably reply, “I thought I would forward it just
in case. No harm done.”
of us have gullible friends who warn that 'if someone called
tries to add you to their contact list - do not accept, he is a
paedophile'. They don't realise these are fake, often spiteful
alerts. Perhaps the paedo is trying to be friends with you to access
the pictures of your children in the bath which you have uploaded
into the public domain? Maybe you'll get a virus if you add them. You
wouldn't want to “lose everything in your computer”.
sentimentalists publish statuses like”1 in 3 of us will get cancer.
If you know anyone who has been affected by it, please post this as a
sign of respect”, “If you support our troops please post this to
your profile”, “If you believe child cruelty is terrible, please
show your support by reposting” etc. If you really want to show you
care, send some money to Macmillan
Posting for show must stop. FULL STOP.
requests from do-gooders have reached saturation point now. I ignore
all except the people who have sponsored my do-goodery in the past. I
do like to do my bit for Charity though. She has two young kids to
support and lap dancing only pays so many bills.
bet you have been invited to an event on the other side of the world
from an old friend who hasn’t bothered to whittle down their
guests. Who in London wants an invite to a gig in Australia when
trains don't run as late as they should in the capital? No doubt you
have been invited to pointless groups by pointless friends too, e.g.
'If I get 1 million 'likes' I will shoot my teacher'.
friend of mine was once in a very bad way. He lived in a high rise
block and was posting some very bleak messages on Facebook. His last
one said “I am standing on the roof of my block of flats. I am
looking down and feeling like I want to end it all”. What do you
say in situations like that? Actions speak louder than words so I
gave him a poke.
don't actually get annoyed by game requests any more, as I have
blocked them all. So I won't know if any of my friends have worked
out how profitable it is growing weed on Farmville and selling it on
in Mafia Wars. If kids actually learnt anything from games, we would
see more of this kind of industriousness on Junior Apprentice instead
of kiddies playing Doctors and Nurses.
you reach a certain age, people around you will start getting
pregnant. You will know about this when their profile picture changes
to an ultrasound scan, then every subsequent status will be about
being up the spout. You may be lucky enough to be friend requested by
a foetus when the mother sets up an account for it.
over a certain age (13 in England) has a proud parent friend, the
sort of middle-aged bore who only ever talks about their kids and
their achievements. It may be their first steps, a good grade, doing
well in the school play or endless gormless photos. Posts like “My
little girl laughed at the television today” are so pointless. All
kids do - it's their only form of entertainment since you sit on
Facebook all day!
confessional Facebooker reveals too much information about
themselves. “What does it mean if you have blood emanating from
your rectum?” asked a naïve Polish friend from school. It means
you are too ignorant to work Google! Have you got piles or did you
pass out while someone smashed in your back door?
tedious types will insist on telling you absolutely everything they
do in the day, but they rarely do anything worth mentioning. John
Smith just made a cup of tea. John Smith just made some toast with
butter mmmmmm. John Smith is going for a dump. I only want to hear
INTERESTING UPDATES. I do not care that your right big toe hurts when
you squeeze it.
Hanna took updating to a new extreme when he updated his Twitter and
Facebook status whilst he was taking his marriage vows. He handed his
phone over to his wife to update hers mid-vow too. I just hope that
man was pushing the right buttons on the first night of his
you have full-blown fights on Facebook walls, it is time to admit to
your underclassedness. More so if doing it in wretched text speak.
Why clog up our newsfeeds by airing your Burberry laundry in public?
In a similar vein are the irritants who ignite a Facebook face-off
with a snidey status, indirectly referring to the subject with the
intention of winding them up.
you are a town-crier? When there is a big news story, you have to get
onto Facebook or Twitter and tell everyone first. You are the social
network version of the Daily
who pressed the publish button as soon as the judge mentioned
“guilty” in the Amanda Knox trial, not realising it was for
slander and not murder which she was subsequently cleared. The
'Fastest Finger First' haste to get the pre-prepared story out was to
get the paper to the top of the listings.
is juvenile and puerile, but quite amusing when someone gets fraped
(Facebook-raped) and you read posts like “Just found out I have
herpes. Ladies get yourself tested.” or “What a shit day. Trod in
shit and whilst cleaning it off flicked some into my mouth and eye.”
Poor Chris didn't get fraped so much as fangbanged in this extreme
about the stupid f*ckers who asterisk out letters? Do you think your
friends can't do crosswords? We are old enough to know these words
now (3, 6, 4).
used to write things like “I am bored.com” but now we have a
better, even more pretentious way to express it via hashtags on
about with your relationship status is ideal for bored users who
haven’t got anything or anyone else to fiddle with. Perhaps your
best friend can become your grandmother for hilarious effect or you
can do the jokey relationship with a friend of the same sex. The fun
is endless. I thought a friend of mine was a lesbian for a year
because of that! Completely ruined the mental imagery when I found
out the truth.
Timeline seems to be annoying everybody at the moment. How do
Facebook manage to piss so many off with every development? Timeline
reminds everyone how attractive they used to be, how fat they are now
and how their friends have aged. The 'People You May Know' section is
almost entirely made up of people you know but don't like enough to
want to be friends.
you have people who say goodnight to Facebook or to everyone on their
list as their last status of the day? It's perfect for when you die
in the night. I just hope my last status is an epic joke to live on
have the occasional friend who likes wittering away to people that
are not on Facebook, and quite often not even alive! It might be to a
dead grandparent or a child too young to have Facebook. It's not
unusual for it to be the sympathy post on the wall of someone who has
just died. Ideal time to poke a dead person actually. I'm not exactly
sure what the time frame etiquette is on deleting a dead person from
your contact list, but I guess at least they won't fall into the
category of annoying Facebook friend any more.
may have discovered you are a Facebook friend with plenty of
annoyances. Don't worry though, you aren't beyond absolution. The
first step in your redemption is posting this story onto your wall...