Friday, 27 April 2012

How Not To Wind Up Dead When Internet Dating

More people are using the net to improve their lovelife than ever before. A combination of busy work lives and living in an area full of munters beckons many into the mysterious world of internet dating...

Nowadays it is convenient rather than desperate or stigmatic to find romance on the web. Indeed 9m out of 15m UK singletons have flirted with the idea and the seeds for 1 in 6 marriages were sown via online dating. It's a fantastic way to meet other socially awkward people. I recently met a lovely girl from the net who shared my interest in sport. She turned up wearing a football jersey with her name printed on the reverse along with a huge number 1. I will definitely meet her again. She's a keeper.

Online dating is now so popular in the UK (£100m+ annual turnover) that it is used as one of the 650 measurements towards inflation. The industry is hugely lucrative and is now worth over £3 billion worldwide. That's a lot of money that could be going into stripper's suspenders.

My first online dating tip is never to show any desperation on your profile. Save that for the first date. Chances are they will be desperate too. All of the women on the 64 dating websites I have joined are desperate.

Online dating is hugely diverse and caters for any individual no matter how weird their fetish or religion. There are websites for Undateables, Uniform fetishists (fuck the police!), Pets, Punks, Inmates, Pot Smokers, Midgets, Married, Friends With Benefits (Scouser Dating I think), Mentally Ill, Sugar Daddies and Mummies, Trekkies, Sexually Infecteds, Farmers, Nappy Lovers, Ugly, Celibate and some other ones I haven't yet joined. Can't find any Amish ones though for some reason.

Never pay for dating services; there are many free versions out there. You will only be discovering people not smart enough to have cottoned on to the fact you can get the same for free without all the bells and whistles.

The internet is probably the best place for someone to cheat on their spouse as the paper trail is minimal. It is a quick and easy way to start a new relationship but an even quicker and easier way to end a relationship if you forget to delete your internet history.

Avoid judging your date too swiftly. Genuine personality won't be uncovered until their inhibitions have been tasered with the contents of a hotel mini bar. With a bit of luck you won't have taken home a tranny manny with a fanny.

If looking for love on the net, avoid those with closely-cropped pictures unless chubby-chasing. The closer the crop, the bigger the blob. Chances are they will have butchered their pic to trim the excess fat. Everyone's lovelife would be so much better if there was a real life version of Photoshop where you could tidy up a fatty by cropping bingo wings, thunder thighs, jelly bellies and other wobbly bits. A physical version of beer goggles perhaps.

Much like with estate agents describing a home, familiarise yourself with the lingo used in dating adverts and the underlying meaning. GSOH means 'Good Sense of Humour'. It is so commonly used that those without GSOH on their profile are often mistaken as miserable fuckers.

'Cuddly' is frequently used by chubbas as a way of marketing themselves as more amenable. 'Athletic' means no jugs. 'Adventurous' means slag. 'Fun' means irritating. 'Open Minded' means unfussy. 'Outgoing' means alcoholic. 'Happy-go-lucky' means manic depressive. 'Loyal' means stalker. 'Homely' means mad cat lady.

Everyone exaggerates on the internet, in fact 1 in 3 openly admit to lying in online profiles. The other 2 in 3 just don't tell the whole truth. Lies seem an accepted part of online dating; so take each profile with a pinch of salt. They are on a par with CVs and UCAS forms.

Statistically, males exaggerate their salaries, height and the length of their babymaker by 20% whilst age, weight and number of partners are understated by females by at least a similar amount. Marital status is conveniently forgotten and many females use their heyday pictures to promote themselves. However, with a few more years under their belt and a few more stone over the belt, you have to take your shoes off before you can have a go on them.

Not everyone you talk to online is who they say they are. The internet is awash with fake accounts from attention-seeking fantasists. I once met an amazing busty 21-year-old woman off the internet - fine you may think, but I was expecting the 13-year old speccy boy I had patiently groomed over several months. You just can't trust anyone these days.

Chances are your relationship will not be exclusive so you may as well don your wellies too and wade in and take a dip with others. There is so much competition that the 3-day cool-rule no longer applies. Faint heart never won cheap woman. You gotta be quick or you may have to settle for sloppy sevenths.

Your first meeting should be a short date in a public place. That way you have a chance to make a break for freedom via the toilet window when they turn out to be ten years older than their pic and looking like a photofit from Crimewatch. It's not a bad idea to have a second date lined up for a bit later, just in case. Some line a date up every hour in a mellower version of speed dating. Don't forget the wet wipes, ladies.

1 in 3 women who meet up with a guy off the internet will have sex on their first encounter (not sure how many by choice; knives, drink and Rohypnol are all leg-openers). Astonishingly 4 in 5 do not use protection. No wonder Chlamydia is growing so rapidly. The STI that is, not my black neighbour's kid.

Dating and profile websites are estimated to be 10% full of scammers, 10% other assorted fakes and 10% convicted sex offenders, so at the very least 1 in 3 guys are creeps waiting to take advantage.

Scammers don't mind playing the long game and utterly buttering up a desperate widow for her cash (margarine can also be used to grease the pan). I Can't Believe It's Not Better reported. Middle-aged widows are particularly easily spread (and very full of fat).

There are a growing number of women just after a free feed in these challenging economic times, and of course no shortage of guys willing to feed the pony too. If you are a decent looking woman and don't mind spending the night with a crushing bore, the guy is usually prepared to put his hand in his pocket, hoping to park himself in the lady pocket later on as recompense. They say there is no such thing as a free lunch, dinner etc but there is if you are a slag.

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